Nemo Me Impune Lacessit

Thursday, 28 September 2006

Snipers of the NFL

Filed under: Dark Side, Fun, Humor, Life — Tags: , , , , , , , — mikewb1971 @ 7:21 AM (07:21)

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been bored out of my skull by the game of American-rules football. What’s the point, really? All of the rivalries, merchandising and hyperbole — what does it amount to in the end? All it is to me is a bunch of guys running back and forth across a field so other guys can watch and yell at them, as though those on the field are actually listening. To me, football is a waste of a perfectly good pistol range, conveniently marked off at 10-yard intervals.

What piqued my “interest” in modern-day America’s chariot races was a posting to Victor Milan’s forum. Reading the comments to a Deadspin.com article he linked to, I laughed like I haven’t laughed in about a year.

Ghods, I needed that. Thank you, Victor.

A few years ago, 94 Rock DJ T.J. Trout suggested that the game could be made more interesting by giving each team a small pickup truck on the field, to be used as they please. While it’s a good idea, I’d like to take it a bit further.

I’ll give each team a sniper to use as the team sees fit. During the game, of course. (Just noting here that the off-the-field activities of some of the players have caused “NFL” to mean “National Felons’ League.”)

I’ll leave the team’s selection of that sniper to each team’s management and coaching staff, as with the other players. Ditto for the sniper’s selection of rifle and other gear.

The sniper should ideally be deployed behind his team’s goalposts, on the top deck of the stadium, to allow for optimal coverage of the field. The snipers would only be allowed to engage targets while the game clock is running.

As for who is a legitimate target, that’s simple — anyone who is on the opposing team. I’ll leave the specifics of exactly who should be targeted to each team’s coach, as I don’t have the space here to go into all of the strategies and counter-strategies that could be employed here.

What about fans getting hit by stray bullets? What if the sniper decides to target fans, officials, or others in the stadium deliberately?

Again, that’s simple — buying a ticket and showing up for game time means that you waive any liability on the part of the team, NFL, or stadium. Does it really matter if your injury is caused by a stray pass, a pissed-off player or fan, or a stray bullet?

As for machine guns and grenade launchers, let’s reserve usage of them for the garbage that they put on for the half-time show.


NOTES

  1. Reposted –
    1. Personal blogs and micro-blogs – Xanga
    2. KCUF Media – Myspace
    3. Victor Milan’s forum.

Copyright © 2006 Mike Blessing. All rights reserved.
Produced by KCUF Media, a division of Extropy Enterprises.
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